Last August, my husband and I sold our house. With everyone (and I do mean everyone) telling us, “It’s a great time to buy!”, we figured we’d be in a new place in no time. It took us nine months. During this whole house hunt, we moved 90% of our belongings into a storage unit and moved our little family of four into my parents’ house. We had the downstairs living space to ourselves and paid a small monthly rent.
I can’t even tell you the number of times I had some version of this conversation with people:
“So, have you guys found a new home yet?”
“Not yet. We’re living with my parents right now.”
“Oh…” [insert raised eyebrows and skeptical/sympathetic look] “How’s that going?”
Suddenly I felt like an unemployed slob, mooching off my parents and sitting on the couch in the middle of the afternoon eating cold pizza and playing video games. Yes, I was that person. The one who, due to unexpected life circumstances, found herself moving back in with the folks. In America, we have a 5-letter word for that: LOSER.
But you know what? It went great. So great that when my husband and I finally signed the papers on our new house a few weeks ago, it was actually bittersweet. Yes, we are excited about living and building memories in our new place, but there are so many things we are going to miss from this multi-generational living arrangement.
- Living debt-free and saving a significant amount of money each month
- Being able to leave our kids frequently and easily with my parents (often during naps and after they were in bed for the night)
- Taking care of the house and yard when my parents traveled
- Splitting the grocery bill and taking turns preparing meals
- Sharing utilities and services like Netflix or Internet
- Sharing yard maintenance and housekeeping chores
- Helping each other with illnesses, surgeries, appointments, trips, or errands
- Enjoying my parents’ company
- Watching my kids grow so close to their grandparents
Would this work well for everyone? Definitely not. However, it is a trend that is on the rise in the US.
My advice? If you find yourself faced with the necessity of sharing living arrangements, stop to enjoy it. If you have the opportunity of sharing living arrangements, stop to consider it. It’s not nearly as bad and can be a whole lot better than most people imagine.
Leave a comment! Opinions? Experiences? Leftover pizza?
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Ten years ago, we sold our home and my mom moved up after a very sad divorce. We bought this home that we now live in together. I won’t say it’s always been easy, and you should certainly count the cost before doing it, but overall, it’s been a blessing to her and to us.
Oops. I forgot to change the fields.
As the parents of Emily and parents-in-law of Ed and grandparents of their two darling children, we say, “What?!!! Moving already?” We both feel this has been a delightful experiment in extended family living. Both are pitch in and get the job done type of people, thus we have felt no intrusion but rather, an extension of shared responsibilities. Plus, Ed is very handy in fixing broken things and he brings dry kindling scraps from work for our wood stoves! Em is very industrious and a wonderful cook (just like her Mother!). My wife and I are beginning to feel like we’re the free-loaders! To be able to play with the grandkids and watch them grow is a privilege few grandparents experience on a daily, on-going basis. What could be better than cuddling down and telling Bible stories or made-up Mokey tales to an attentive and inquisitive 4-year old? What could be better than watching our 2-year old grandson learn to walk, talk, and navigate his ever-expanding and wonder-filled world? Not much by our standards. We truly are sorry to see the kids move out even though we know it’s meant to be. Ed and Em – Thanks for the memories. Dad and Mom
Wow. Looks like I’m the only one that couldn’t swing living with my mother. She moved in with us and basically drove me crazy and my husband couldn’t handle her either so he just didn’t want to come home. We finally managed to move away and she is managing just fine if not better on her own with out us. Also, we now have a much better friendship instead of just despising each other.
I am so proud of you for putting this story out here. It is a wonderful thing to be able to share a place with your parents and it is extremely difficult for me to understand that part of our culture in USA. I am from India and it is not uncommon there. Your kids are so very fortunate to have their grandparents so close to them. You go girl. No raised eyebrows here. 🙂
My grandparents moved into my Mom’s house about 5 years ago, they really couldn’t handle the up keep of their own house and my Mom had the space. She actually moved to the guest suite and gave them the bigger part of the house.
Then I lost my job and found myself moving home about 2 years ago. I hated the idea, it hurt my self confidence and frankly, made me really depressed. After having a pity party for a few months, I started to change my attitude.
I made myself look for the good things, the benefits of my current living arrangements. It didn’t take me long to realize how blessed I am. I have a parent that welcomed me home even though her house was full. I have spent more time with my grandparents in the last 2 years, than I have my entire life. I am able to give back to them by making dinner 5 times a week and doing their grocery shopping. I can listen to the family stories again that I probably heard when I was a kid but didn’t really care enough to remember them. I know that my time with them is very limited and that makes me cherish our time together even more.
Thanks for that charming story. I have 5 kids now ages 20 and up. Two are still at home–one keeps promising to move out–plus we have an adult “houseguest” who came for 3 weeks in Dec 2007 and is still there. As recently as 2009, we had FOUR kids + the guest in our smallish home. My wife (the enabler) loves it, but I’d prefer to be an empty-nester at this point of my life. But I clam up and say nothing about it. Maybe I’ll get “lucky” someday if one of these non-paying (don’t ask) occupants sees me keel over and calls 911 to save my life.
This will be us in a few months (hopefully). My parents just purchased a home in CO and invited us to come stay with them while we survey the area and research neighborhoods we’d like to live in. We’ve been to CO three times now and everytime we arrive, we never want to leave. We’ll be in the same situation, paying a small amount of rent, splitting utilities, etc. My husband and step dad are like two peas in a pod and the same goes for my mom and I. And we’ll be bringing a brand new baby into the mix. My parents couldn’t be happier. 🙂 I’m sure it will be bittersweet for us, as well, when we find a home to call our own.
Thank YOU so much for this! We are living with my parents right now, and I see how some of my friends are struggling and I am so grateful for them.
I moved back home when my husband was deployed for 6mos and found it very challenging, but knew there were so many benefits. I am a very independent person and need to be in control of my space. Being in someone else’s house took that away from me and I felt like is guest whenever I was at my in-laws house (we stayed there half the time, half with my parents). But saving was great, not having to do every chore was nice, and my son LOVED all the attention. I know all together it was a beneficial experience, but I was extremely happy to have my own home again. We moved back here, 4 states away, and I do miss seeing everyone everyday.
After a heartbreaking experience I ended up at home for three years. I too had the basement and though there were days I just wanted to leave…the time I had with my parents as an adult as previous and sacrad. Both my brother and I have moved home for varying lengths of time and it really is and was a gift for us. I’m realizing my parents are aging and some day I’ll be so happy I had that time. During that time I trained and walked the 3-day with my Dad…it was an unforgettable experience and amazing one on one time.
Along the same line, my 23 year old son has moved out and back in twice now because of school, circumstances and personal reasons. He feels a little embarrassed but I have told him many times that it is not unusual to return home and I love having him here. I think that families will be multi-generational more and more, and soon people won’t ask that question of …how’s that working out…
My adult children (1 son, 1 daughter) and my grandchildren (1 grandson 5, and grand daughter 7) all live together. The grandkids and our daughter have been with us since they little ones were born. It’s nice to take turns making dinner and to remind each other to pick up things from the store. In our culture, this is not unusual, but expected. Unfortunately we are moving away from this practice as time goes on. There are some downsides, but all in all, very worth it. I see my grandchildren every day. 😀
I don’t live with family but I have been the renter in a basement apt before & I have had a friend & her mom renting about half of my basement for 2 years. I really enjoy it.
Funny that I saw this because I am pretty sure that we are going to have to do this in about a month. My husband might be losing his job and we feel like we have completely hit rock bottom 🙁 We might have to move in with my grandmother… Her house is nice and big, but it is a mess. I am not sure what to do, but I am sure it will all work out in the long run. It would be nice to save on bills and be closer to her.
I can totally relate to your column! My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter (3 yrs.old) are moving into their new home after living with us for 8 months. Fortunately our house is big enough they had they’re own ‘suite’, but we still shared parking, kitchen and laundry space. I LOVED it! Mostly because I got to spend so much time with my granddaughter and I believe that time has built a relationship that will endure forever. I will miss them when they move, but fortunately they’ll only be about 15 minutes away. And I am truly blessed to have a family that made this work!
I think it’s awesome that you have the kind of relationship with your parents that makes it a joy to live with them. Unfortunately, many (maybe even most) people don’t have that. The comments/raised eyebrows you got were probably from people who couldn’t even imagine enjoying prolonged time with their parents. The fact that this worked out so well says a lot about all of you. I think it’s fantastic!
I would agree with that. It takes a certain amount of mutual respect between both grown generations for this arrangement to work and all parties to be happy. Unfortunately, that can’t always be the case.
We have lived jointly with my in-laws for 14+ years. It is a blessing to all of us!
This says so much about what we miss so very often in America… community. Thanks for sharing and normalizing the experience… the more we share the truth, the more myths are debunked and the more free people are to live without judgement. Nice post!
If I had to live with my mother-in-law, I would really enjoy it. There are a lot of countries that have multi-generational homes, and it’s a very healthy happy experience for everyone.
When my husband and I moved from Mississippi back to Oregon almost three years ago, we moved in with my family. That included my mom, stepdad, 16 year-old brother, 11 year-old sister, and 91 year-old great-grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s. The house was small, our room was tiny, and there was next to no privacy. We were so thankful, though, that my parents allowed us to stay with them, rent free, for 6 months while we searched for and purchased a home. While my husband might not agree, I thought it was a great opportunity to get to know everyone again after being so far away for four years. Living with your parents is sometimes the best (or only) option, and I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.
That’s how things used to be done way back in time. And in some countries/cultures it is still done that way.
As a Grandparent I love having my daughter and her family living with us. My daughter is hearing impaired and her husband is in the Army and will be leaving for Bosnia in 2013. I get to see my Grandson everyday and we have developed a relationship that I probably would not have if they did not live with us. Its also nice to have the support of family so close when you need it. I love my family and want to keep them as close as I can for as long as I can and they are welcome to stay as long as they want.